What makes you jealous?

 

Okay so let’s be honest here, I super cheap. Like frugal is a nice way of saying that I’m cheap but have an okay enough vocabulary to say I’m cheap without just saying I’m cheap. I chose that photo today because for much of my adult life I would never have “wasted” the money on a photo booth because, duh, they never turn out that great AND I have a camera on my phone I can use for free. 

But you miss out on the fun memories! So what’s $5 when it results in funny pictures of Thomas and I having the worst timing ever, and Asher mean-mugging the whole time. I’d certainly pay $5 for that and I know Thomas would too.

So, in my own value system, deep inside my heart, I have absolutely no trouble at all spending money on something that I feel is really worth it. I definitely think it’s worth the money to maintain your vehicles. I think it’s worth the money to buy the right work clothes and shoes that are appropriate for the job you do. But in the same breath, I with say “$50!?! That’s too much” for a pair of running shoes if I’m just getting a pair of every day kind of shoes. Just so you can see where I’m at, I had to force myself to stop buying flip flops from the dollar store- which are trash and so hard on my poor feet- and spend the money on good quality sandals. I just can’t seem to let go of my money.

So why then, please someone explain, why do I get the green eyed monster of jealousy, when I see people (moms) on social medias and I see the jackets they wear or the cars they drive… and it makes me, like, want those things too. Like, it’s a little paper cut in my mind, that just keeps stinging and even ripping back open. I don’t need need a new vehicle! I just got a new coat! I don’t jump into those kind of things without some prior research so why is this even happening?

I think it’s not actually truly jealousy of what material thing they have. I could have that too, I’d just need to go buy it. But what then?

I think it’s envy of what I perceive their life is like. It’s my own story I tell myself. I am telling myself the tall tail that if I had that nice jacket and drove that nice car, then my life would be better. Well I bet I’d appreciate those things but if I went and got them then I’d still be scrolling on social media looking at the next next thing I needed to buy. When does it end. I don’t have the answer.

In the mean time, I have decided that I’m going to continue to work on myself, to not be so cheap, but to also exam the truth going on behind those jealousies and see if it’s just envy acting up. Because likely it is. And I suspect, envy is just the first part of a control freaks cycle. I can’t control everything but deep down, if I can ‘make’ you all perceive me a certain way, the lie my brain believes is that I can control how you see me and what you think of me. Which is obviously a lie.

That’s all for now, I’m going to go stew on this for a while. 

Thanks as always, x