Autumn and cancelled plans

 

This morning I got to briefly chat with a friend who had admitted she’s been struggling with “being social” lately. How perfectly said is that! I often struggle with being social. Sometimes it makes me want to stay home and not interact with literally anyone, or sometimes the feeling comes out after a social outing where I was very conversational and totally drained my batteries so to speak, and I need to sit alone and recharge for a while. 

I encouraged her as best I could in our quick little conversation, to just listen to her body and if it feels best to stay in, and not socialize then don’t do it! I think we naturally feel a bit drawn inside when the season changes to fall- so embrace it! Get cozy in a blanket, drink some tea, put on a movie and have a snack. Once you give yourself permission to slow down and not feel guilty for avoiding situations that are “too people-y” you have an easier time tapping in to Why you want to avoid it. Chances are, you will discover that you’d actually love the company but what you dread is the work that comes along with it. 

What do I mean Work? For me, I deal with a fair bit of anxiety. So I often find myself in this cycle: Run into someone and have a quick hello chat, that turns into me rattling off a million different things talking really fast and unloading a bunch of unnecessary information to this poor unsuspecting friend. Then I walk away and feel so completely stupid for doing that, and thinking of how I should do better next time, maybe even apologize to them, and of course, hours (yes hours!) of self loathing. How dramatic. So then I say to myself, look Colleen, you just need to calm down and not talk so much, maybe take a breath. So I usually find that I avoid going anywhere for a while, I don’t want to relive that experience again any time soon, so when I do finally go out, I have often been cooped up for a bit and then I run into some poor unsuspecting person and I think you can guess, things cycle back to the beginning and I’m right back into my routine and talk their ear off about turkey pepperoni or Asher’s last poop. Ugggh. I dread the work of it all. And after having a baby, I really didn’t feel very good about myself/my body, so having the habit of picking myself to pieces over every little thing has been just too much to take at times.

Anyhoo, I don’t know if anybody can relate to that little “feedback loop from hell” as per ‘the subtle art of not giving a f***’ (which, by the way is an excellent book and you should read it) but maybe you have your own little way that you create ‘Work’ when you get around people. 

I always wondered how come I can go into my workplace and feel 95% more confident and comfortable talking to people, making eye contact, holding my head high- but put me with the same coworkers out for a few beers after work one day- and I absolutely cannot handle my nerves. It’s really weird. But I think it has to do with what we are Doing. When we are at work, it’s pretty easy to just put it in gear and work, the conversations and friendships happen but as a by-product, the focus being on work. When I’m chatting with someone in the grocery store- it’s like “ahhh omg omg I’m freaking out, what do I do with my hands, how do I stand, where even are my feet- I think I left them in the car, crap crap crap” all while trying to engage in a normal conversation. Hahaha yep, really easy to play it cool when that’s going on.

So back to my point, I say if you are feeling a bit of the old “hibernation” tendency as the season changes to autumn- just go for it. Lean into that. Warm socks, homemade soups, nice spicy teas. Pie! All things that can be thoroughly enjoyed alone OR with a friend, if your up for it. 

Anybody in your life that is genuinely cool and loves you will always understand. 

Thanks for reading my thoughts, please always feel free to cancel plans with me if that’s what you need. Unless there really is pie, then I might be a bit sad!

Happy Hibernating!-x